new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
