i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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