HIV tests are more positive than that guy
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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