Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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