Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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