you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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