my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
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