Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
