so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Randomize
