I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
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