Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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