I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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