Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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