Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Randomize
