I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
