also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
