I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
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