So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Randomize
