I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
