My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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