i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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