..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Randomize
