he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
