I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Randomize
