Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
