I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize
