can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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