he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Randomize
