hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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