Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
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