I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Randomize
