imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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