i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
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