A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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