my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Randomize
