put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Randomize
