I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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