my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
