My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
