I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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