What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
