The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
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