I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
