he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
