I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
