brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
