You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
