Pants 0. Shit 1.
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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