I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Randomize
