All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
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