You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Randomize
