I'm pants shitting drunk right now
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
